30 7月 2014

Stressing out


     My bf has started to smoke again.
     I don't like smoking.
     It's selfish and unhealthy for both the smoker and the people around the smoker.
    And there are so many bad things than good things.

     I'm disappointed.
     I think about it everyday, and everyday my sadness and stress just gets bigger.

     Today I'll drink with some friends during lunch.
     Friday is a drinking party.
     Saturday is another drinking party.
     Sunday? Probably recovering from killing my liver.

     I really don't like smoking and I'm not sure how to act if he wants to kiss me without hurting his feelings. I feel like I'm starting to hate him.

     I was talking to one of my guy friends about this yesterday before going to sleep, and it seems like asian girls are really passive about this issue. Even talking to one of my japanese acquaintances, she was super passive even though she herself also doesn't like it.

     Tomorrow will be 10 month anniversary.
     It will be a sad anniversary. He's gonna be drinking and smoking this day too. T_T

     I want to have a happy anniversary again. I want to look forward to kissing the person I like; not avoid it and think how gross it is. . . I want to hug the person and feel comfortable and love them, and them hug me and feel comfortable with me and love me. I love when a guy smells nice and takes care of his health, because then he will care about my health.

     I'm not a strong person, and many times I will not care about my health to the point where it becomes very dangerous and deadly. Of course I haven't told him this side of me nor anyone else, so he may not understand how I think of it.

     I'm just super disappointed and sad.
     I honestly don't understand it.

     Happy sad 10th anniversary. . . .

27 7月 2014

礼儀 Manners






 I'm taking a TEFL class now and it's super fun!
I've met new friends and we hang out (going out to eat or doing homework together), and even though the class is long, I truly enjoy it and I think it's fun. I always get sleepy.

 I go to bed around 3am and wake up at around 7am in order to go to class. I also get sleepy in class. Can you believe that? XD
 But I really like the content of the class so I don't WANT to fall asleep. Hmm....what can you do?.

 Also, this week I went back to my house with one of my American classmates but it was so tireding! They don't have manners nor etiquette.No more than 3 days, and it was tiring. I honestly wondered, "Is this how Japanese feel when they bring foreigners into their home?". . . . For example, when we went to the movies she said how she wanted to eat chips and asked my mom if it was ok to eat the chips that were next to her purse. My mom then told her, "well, they haven't been opened yet".

 Now. . . As a human being who has consciousness, what do you think is the best thing to do in this situation?

 My classmate started to open the lid and with a loud voice I told them, "HEY! That's rude!", but she quickly just repeated what my mother said. As I thought, my classmate didn't understand what my mother said, or at least what she meant by it. After that, my friend gave this mean face and left the room and I didn't say anything to them. I also got mad at them but my classmate has no consciousness of manners/etiquette so I didn't care. But,  . . . I won't forget this incident.

 At the moment I have 2 more weeks left of this TEFL course. I think this is the moment when the honeymoon phase ends, and we all start hating each other for the small things we have to put up with.

 As for the job application, everything went well and I am moving forwards with Interac through their alternate program. This means I will go to Tokyo and stay for a few days/weeks but they assured me that it has never been a few months. I'm actually looking forward to it since the BF is close by and I don't have to worry about taking an airplane flight to see him and family, etc. I have confirmed my arrival date (August 24th), but I can only start looking at airplane flights after this TEFL course ends (simply because there is more paperwork to consider, and the date period between me getting my visa and arrival is REALLY tight!).
 Will provide more details as for the email process for Interac soon. *^^*

22 7月 2014


around 10pm

    So I'll write in English just because it's something that upsets me quite a lot. I had made plans with a friend a week in advanced for today (Wednesday), and had to cancel because of studying. When I asked them what were they gonna do today, they mentioned some errands and then hang out with this one person, but that is a maybe.

    I got upset because while I had already gotten out of my way to hang out with this person let alone ask them, this person was already making plans even though we already made plans and then figured to "fit me into their schedule". I feel like I'm being tossed aside. I thought we were closer friends than that, but I guess not. I was hurt because this person wasn't being honest with me and didn't tell me.
    But then again this person isn't even honest with her/himself so how can they be honest with others?

    This person has never made any attempts to hang out with me from their own accord nor talk, so I feel like they don't know how to keep a friendship. I have always been the one to invite them to things. But if it wasn't for me who invited this person to one of my work events, these two would never had met in the first place. This person doesn't even say thank you for that.
    I don't care about their sexual tendencies and constant contradictions, and it's not my issue to deal with. But they weren't thoughtful of my feelings at all. If I had not asked what they were doing for the day, I would have never known. And to me this feels dishonest. I'm not saying you need to tell me every little detail of your life, but some communication would be nice.

    I've had this friend meet all of my friends and the close family that I have here, yet I have never met their friends or family. If it wasn't for the things that have happened in my life so far, what would we have to talk about?

    So I realized that our friendship is not the same anymore. This person isn't a friend. They are more like an acquaintance now. It hurts, but this has happened to me before (where a close friendship turned into 2 acquaintances), so it will take a lot less time to get over.
    I will give them one last chance, but out of their own accord. Regardless of that, our friendship has already changed and will not go back to what it was.

09 7月 2014











断る(ことわる):to turn down



    Today is thursday. About 5 days after graduation.
    I got an email from Company A telling me they were not able to continue with my application. And I actually was the one to email Company B about whether I should give them an updated version of my resume. They responded with a "you can give us your updated resume, but unfortunately we were not able to continue with your application". Their reason was because there were more qualified applicants (and not that many positions), but that they would consider me for their positions in April (hence why it would be ok to give them my updated resume). But I just thought . . .

    I really wanted this job! ! ! !
    I know someone who also applied around the same time I did, who is less qualified (compared to my qualifications regarding this specific job) but went ahead to the next step.

    So I believe that it's not because of other "more qualified applicants". I think what broke it was that I got late to my interview, and therefore didn't consider me for positions starting in September-ish. Being late to an interview can either make it or break it.

    But they didn't exactly say 100% no either. . .

    It just pisses me off a bit because I wish they would have been a little more honest with me in regards to why my application didn't make it through. And I was the one to email them. They didn't bother to be prompt and email me. . . (  >_____>)*

    Also I was disappointed that Gaba didn't consider me either, but it's ok. I will apply again for these places, depending on how my current job goes.

    So what will happen from now on is I'll go ahead with the job from Interac which starts in September. They weren't able to find me a specific location BEFORE the departure date, but I was likeable so they put me through their alternate track. Alternate track just means that I will be staying in Tokyo for a few days or weeks (never a few months according to what they told me), and during that time I will go through training, stay in paid accommodations, and fill any substitute positions. They'll be looking for a spot for me also (I would imagine they don't want to keep paying for me staying in Tokyo).

    Once they find the place, I'll go to wherever that is and start working.

    But now more than ever, I feel like my bf doesn't wanna talk to me. . . isn't interested, or just wants his space. I've been wanting to tell him about all this job stuff, and recently I went shopping so I wanted to show him what I bought. He says he wants to see it, but then he goes on to do something else. He told me, when I find out about the job stuff to tell him. . .but it's like. . . . he's always doing something else. Actions are louder than words. So it's like he says these things but doesn't act on it, so I feel like he doesn't want to know as much as I thought he wanted.
    So I'm not gonna press for it anymore. I'm not gonna keep giving hints to call me or whatever. I'm sure if and when he wants to know, he will ask, and I'll tell him.

    Wao- - -
    I felt like my friend Fernanda there for a second. I like her very much. And she's unique cuz she has this policy of "If you don't ask, I'm not going to tell you". And she truly means it. At first it was a bit strange but you get used to it.

    People are different, and I guess I shouldn't be so harsh on him for it.

    I think for me it's just that, when I'm dating a person or when that person is family, I have high expectations for them. Becuz they are special to me and very close in my life. With friends (especially with people that are just acquaintances), I have absolutely no expectations. They can screw up their lives and I'm not gonna care much. I'll care a little bit. You know, try to give good advice so they don't screw it up. But they're not gonna have that treatment from me cuz I don't expect anything.

    It's like hanging out with someone outside: I'm cool with it. Do whatever you want. Doesn't matter.
    hanging out with someone in my house: there are rules and etiquette that you have to follow. Think whatever you want, but I'm welcoming you to where I live and feel the most comfortable so there are some manners you need to abide by. If you don't like it then don't come.

    Pretty much all the friends I have are from other countries, and somehow they understand what I'm talking about. It's no mystery at all since this is part of daily life. But I seem to have a hard time with the American friends I have managed to keep just because in American culture there aren't any rules. (Correction: there are very few rules.) I have had more Chinese friends now and have come to understand their point of view that people in U.S. are like children compared to what they know. 

    But anyways, another example I can think of is tattoos. If a friend of mine gets it, I don't care. Good for them. I can't impose my beliefs on them. If a family member or person I am dating mentions they want to get one, I'm going to stop them as much as possible. For me? I would never get one. Yea, I've thought about it, but I was indecisive and figured my skin was already pretty. Didn't need another commitment. And I really like sitting in hot water, so I didn't want to have something that wouldn't allow me to enter onsen's or public baths (sentou). 

    Back to what I was talking about: I'm not sure if I can relax on my expectations for him. I'm finding it a bit difficult at the moment with my own feelings. He's young. I dunno if he wants to stay with me. :/

    In the mean time, I found this guy who's pretty awesome. I wanted to share his video. Very good lyrics. It really went to my core.


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